moving

It is the time of the year to be jolly.

No. It's not.

Despite the fact that I am finishing my job soon, and going to johan's parents to spend Xmas, and then going home to my family and friends in Shanghai and Hong Kong, I am NOT happy these days.

Something is wrong with me.

It has something to do with the weather I suppose. It is the darkness, it is the disappearance of light which transformed almost to the light of my life.

Is Johan the light of my life? Guess so. He disappeared for awhile too....into Berlin.
Now that he is back and I am still upset. I do not know why exactly. Guess I was used to darkness.

To be fair, I have almost everything I want around me. Walking to the Scottish club just now, I was looking at Uppsala again: I was walking instead of biking so I can see how beautiful and familiar this place is all over again. I am also feeling something new, because of the knowledge that I am moving away again soon.

Unlike before, when I came to visit Johan, that when I knew I was going to go to the airport in a few days flying back to the lonely and miserable place. Now I know I am leaving together WITH Johan, to a wonderful place.

Then why am I feeling so insecure and unstable?

I am starting to look back now. I was telling Johan the other day I have started making retrospects. I am making conclusion for my Swedish time. It is a very strange feeling as I am almost being in flashbacks when I am actually living it. The whole sense of time, experience and existence is being blurred and transformed. I feel strange, out of space and time. I do not know what to think or feel. I do not know how to act. I feel like I have this 'expiry date' stamped on my forehead. Everyone know that I am expiring for this place. I know I will miss it later but now, I do want it to be over soon. It is a very very mixed feeling. I want to get over this awkwardness.

But actually, I am feeling okay. This is like happening again and I know once you move away from a place, you drift apart. I feel like I am constantly making new friends and adapting to new places. This time it would be better as it would be at least 2 years. I know some people would be jealous as I am going to new places all the time. I know I hate it and at the same time like it. I do not know what to think. I seem to know everything: the routine, the process, the whole phase. But I still feel worried and excited and stunned at the fact that it is happening to me again even though I said I want to settle down many many times. I have learnt to live with it and to appreciate it but sometimes I wonder. I get confused. I wonder what I am doing. I wonder do I actually need to know what I am doing. Can't just living be enough? Why do I have to think and try to reflect on my life?

Confused.

Anyway, I know I will miss a few people in here. It is a bless to miss someone when you are leaving a place. It is a bit sad but i still know it is a bless.

I don't get so sentimental anymore. I guess with my expiry date in mind, I become more cautious; the physical distance of course reflects in my relationship with my friends as well. I am always the outsider. I know I will always feel like one. Now I know I just have to learn to live with it.

With age, you do not learn more about yourself, I think. You learn how to accept the way you are.