Hank Chinaski

I watched this film completely by accident last night on arte.tv.
The main character is Hank Chinaski, played by Matt Dillon, and the film is called Factotum (2005). It was a bit difficult for me to finish the film, because Hank is such an anti-hero, wasting his life away in whatever possible ways (not that extreme, actually). However, it is the charisma of Matt Dillon, who played this character with profoundness, dignity and coolness, that keeps me from leaving.

It was a good film. What distracts me, or what is pushing me away, is the kind of life style I brought to despise: drinking, messing up every single job, not having a job, messing up relationships...however, I have always been interested in 'fucked-up people's' lives, and somehow because of my lately weird mood, I begin to see some sincerity in this film: of his anger, of his disappointment, of his rebel against this, for a lot of people who are labeled as 'unfortunate', ridiculous world. It is not fair, and it will never be fair. Some people just do not have it. And they still need to live on.

There was a scene when Hank was with Jan (his time-to-time girlfriend) in the kitchen in her empty apartment. (paraphrasing)

Jan said: 'Do you want some pancake, babe? Let's have some wine to go with it.'
Hank said: 'Sure. '
Jan opened her empty fridge and took out a big bowl of pancake mix, and said: 'We are still out of butter.'
Hank said: 'Make them anyway, babe.'
Jan: 'They sure are gonna be crispy, I tell you.'
Then Hank took up a huge bottle of 'red wine', and poured in two glasses.

Maybe I just have not been poor. Maybe I am just overacting. But his or their lives are unbelievable to me: having no food to eat, no jobs, nowhere to live (Hank got rejected for jobs because he does not have an address), no one to love (but always money to drink!) seems like a total nightmare. But they still live on, and enjoy it from time to time (The couple fucks 4 times a day, pardon for my language, it is just how it is put in the film). Their lives are their bodies and what they can do for themselves. The society expelled them. They have to take care of each other, or to hurt each other. It is their own world. They are truly free, and utterly seul. He lives for nothing, but to fight on.

The sound of the titles of Charles Bukowski's poems and short stories sounds cynical and crispy, like Sifting through the Madness for The World, The Line, The Way, The Pleasures of the Damned, and Crucifix in a Deathhand. I like the sound of it. In his gravestone, it reads: Don't Try.

I also want to write a bit about the relation of ones relationship with ones parents and the likelihood of going away from homeland for a new life. I just talked to a friend yesterday. I always knew I was more driven to go to a new place and leave everything behind because I don't want to stay with my father. However, it became clearer to me these days that it was the reason that why I am here, because it also makes me crave for the unknown and fantasize about everything that is foreign. I dislike life at home as much as I dislike him and as much as I wish to go away.

Go Away--these two words lift up all the burdens and unhappy memories and although I must have over-reacted in many ways, this is exactly what I did and it is why I did it.

Life

Everyday is learning french.
It is surprising how much time it can take from you when you are learning a language, or just something new.
Today, I have finally posted a few posts for Johan on his blog about the restaurants we went to in Paris. I do not know why it took me such a long time to write them, since Johan has been nagging about it so much. I just have to feel like doing something for me to do them.

Got a message from a friend yesterday on facebook. She said my life is perfect. Is it? It probably is, although I have my anxieties and uncertainties. I am not working and am learning French full-time. I can also have fun full-time too, since my husband is being so nice to me and is encouraging me to have fun. But why do I feel so guilty when I am having fun? Somehow I feel like we should all be working and contribute in some sense. This is my Asian side speaking, since we are all brought up that way. It is also my dad speaking because his philosophy is 吃得苦中苦，方為人上人。(loosely translated as : the more suffering you can take, the better you are as a person). So having-fun is simply not the right kind of life goal.

But I also remember Johan once told me the meaing of life is to have fun. That was new to me, and still is a bit. Of course I am evolving all the time I spent in Europe with all the people I meet; life can be in thousands of ways. I guess not working is one of them. The bizzare thing is, I do not really fit into any of the following groups: housewife (no, I feel a lot more free than that), students (well, technically I am not), employee (definitely not!), mom (well, I don't have kids yet). I guess one category I fit into is this one: being loved. I am being loved and am trying to experience new things. I thought going abroad was a brave new move, but there is actually so many news things I haven't tried, and it is also new life styles I am taking on. How lucky I am!

J'ai la chance, oui?

Bloggers

There has been a serious lack of post. It's almost like I disappeared into the air...

But no one will ever wonder where did I go; simply because I don't blog regularly.
I have been wondering about how I should write my blog so it will be more interesting to people who don't really know me. Honestly, the blog, or blogging, has always been a kind of 'self-recording' for me. I did not write them so others can share my thoughts. It is more like somehow someday I can come back and read what I was thinking a few years ago.

But there is something interesting I want to write about. (see, it's 'write about', not 'share with you', probably because I know I don't have 'readers'...yet...). I have been quite addicted with this blog: stylebytes. She has good style and she blogs almost everyday. But somehow, she hasn't been blogging for a month now, and I have been wondering what actually happened to her. Funny enough, the last post of hers was about 'going to stockholm'...and finally, today, I found this page. The fact that people can be quite concerned with someone else they hardly 'know' is interesting. I guess there has always been this kind of 'acquaintance': someone you either have met but do not know very well, or someone that you know quite well (probably not as a person) but have not met.

I was just looking at my skype contacts and noticed a friend missing from the online list. She was going to a Marathon last night. I wondered if she was alright...but how strange is this! With all these 'instant messenger', our whole perspective of 'being' has changed: being alive means being online, isn't it? It may sound crazy, but for a lot of people, it IS like that. And 'being online' can be many things: answering phone calls/SMS in a short while, replying emails in a short while, answering messages on skype or MSN or whatnot in a few seconds...with the advancement of informationa technology, our world has contracted in such senses that when you think about it, it is just completely bizzare. I cannot say enough or well enough for this matter. Unlike some good bloggers that I admire, I simply cannot stop writing and be clear. I may return to this subject after doing more reading, or just more thinking. I may not. Probably not...you see...

So back to Style Bytes. The story goes on...with much speculations, somehow it is confirmed that she is ALIVE. That's great. But so what happened to her? She simply stopped blogging without putting out a notice or something. Should she? I do not know. It is just a blog. In her own myspace blog (yet, another blog), she posted this. So she wants some changes in her life. 'In the night it was time to go home. I slept the night on the bus and when I got home to Oslo in the morning I realized I had slept in and worn the same clothes three days in a row. Oh, how wonderful life is. '(I hope she does not mind strangers discussing about her life).

I guess for those truly regular bloggers with regular comments and readers, it is a great pressure on keep doing the things you always do. For her, it is about shopping, changing into new clothes and looking different EVERYDAY. It is an enormous amount of pressure. And trying to look different can be very boring and exhausting, for its own sake. This can be a bit personal to me too, but since I am such a slacking person, I never really made myself insisting on something. I always just quit when it gets boring, most often too soon.

I feel that I can either go on and on or just stop here. I will find some more intersting things to write about. The problem is I always have a lot of interesting things to write in one single day. Then, the post gets too long and then losts interest to me or the few potential readers, if any. Writing blog, just like writing, takes some structure and disciplines. And it is yet for me to discover.