Faith

Faith.
It is such a big topic.

There has been many things and happenings around me that challenged my 'faith': in people and in myself.

Today I went to the food market. In one of the stalls, a woman put the bag of tomatoes back onto the weigh after being told how much it costs.
The man who worked in the stall got really angry. He was going on and on about 'no confiance' and so on. The woman was quick shocked and tried to defend herself.
I didn't understand everything but that had been going on for quite some time.

So when I paid the same guy, I struggled to give him exact change, simply because I had a lot of coins that I wanted to use. I was a bit skeptical about how exact I've got but he just took the handful of coins without counting them.

I said: You're sure it's correct?
He said: I have confiance (confidence in French) in you.

Wow.
It was not a big thing. Not big at all.
But it felt good.
I don't know if he's doing it because the woman just showed 'no confidence' in him or not.
But it felt good.

And then on the way back to my flat, I was carrying this trolley full of food and trying to walk up the stairs.
Then I met this guy. I said: 'Apres vous' (after you).
Then he said something I didn't understand. (with 'voulez-vous' probably).
I either said 'Pardon'? or looked puzzled (probably both).
Then he imitated the action of carrying the trolley up the stairs.

'Ah! C'est bon, merci.'
Then he walked up in front of me.

I really wanted to shout 'bonne journee' to him from the back, but I was held back by something.
My recent lack of faith in people and thus myself.
I was not acting like myself.
I would have smiled and said 'merci beaucoup' to him.
But I was held back with cynicism just now.

And I regretted it.
Why should I change?
I am who I am. I will always open up and try to be as friendly as I can.
I don't feel the need to hold back or protect myself so I won't get hurt.

People are generally nice and friendly. I always believed in it.
So why change now?

Is it because Paris has been so hard for me?

I believe you get what you expect to get.
Altitude is the key.
And it changes everything.

I am going to be the 'old' me. Friendly and full of faith.

I found my faith again, slowly.